And There Was Blood

Tom stared blankly into the mildewed ceiling of his decrepit apartment. He watched silently, intently as the rusty ceiling fan blades cut perpetually the ceiling lamp’s light. But he was not contemplating on the color of the ceiling, nor on the energy emanated by the man-made-electric-sun attached to it. He was in another realm, a dark isolated place where agony, wrath and malevolence were as real as the pitch black darkness that enveloped it.

He loved his wife and kid. They meant everything to him. They were all he really had, and all he ever wanted. His wife, Teresa, was the most wonderful creature of God. His love for her was unfathomable. And hers for him was just the same. When the recession boomed, he had no savings. He lost his job, and almost lost his bearing. But his wife’s steady and loving hands held him together. During those long months of unemployment, he almost lost his sanity to whatever lurked behind the darkest recesses of the psyche.

In those days, he waddled in the pool of self-pity and depression. Teresa though, tried to tide things over by selling home made cookies at a nearby school. She too, started doing errands for their neighbor Mrs. Wilson, for a measly two bucks an hour. And when she went home, tired as she had been, she never said a word out of spite. Nor did she nag him on the loss of job, nor on what seemed to be a temporary dementia on his part. She just went on her way, ironing the clothes, cleaning and preparing whatever-something-there was for dinner.

His son, Kevin, God bless his soul, was nothing but God sent. He had the eyes of his mother. Young as he was, he understood well the concept of “not-having” and of virtuous patience . On Sundays, Teresa and Kevin, would take him out for a walk, and drop by the supermarket for groceries. Kevin would run to his mom asking if they can buy the Spider man figure which cost roughly a dollar. But Teresa, having only a few dollars, would gently, lovingly tell Kevin, “We dont have money, Kevin. Someday, I will buy you one. “ And Kevin would just beam his no-front-teeth smile, and shout “Someday!”. A picture of innocence and of saintly naivety.

And though he was in depression, he could clearly remember all these memories. It is funny that the mind has a way of preserving precious mental images even if the soul is lost in wandering. Probably because these are images that can permeate through the soul, through whatever hellish pain or indifference there is in this God-forsaken world.

Kevin and Teresa are now gone. They died because of misdiagnosis. Dr. Roberts, the doctor in charge failed to look beyond what seemed to be a complicated form of the flu. And since the Mastersons could not afford the services of a specialist, there was no other way but to proceed treatment with the public hospital’s Dr. Roberts.

For almost a week, Dr. Roberts diagnosed it as the winter flu. But the situation worsened. Son and mother both started experiencing thunderclap headaches and fevers that went on and off, just like typhoid. Dr. Roberts took another look at them and diagnosed them for meningitis, but the disease was far too elusive for the good doctor. He too had other problems. His hands were full of patients, and the Mastersons were not the only people he had to look out for. As the situation lingered, Tom could only watch his son and wife, slowly, painfully succumb to the cursed fate which all of us share. The inevitable fate of death.

Kevin and Teresa’s funeral was the most painful experience he had to endure. An image so painstaking that it drove him into the very depths of oblivion. He cried in pain, not knowing where the endless tears and the eternal pain came from.  The pain was neither poignant, nor stingy. It was a scalding pain. It was as if his heart was tormented by an enormous blue flame but was never reduced to cinder.  It was forever bleeding, and scalded by the very blood that gushed out of it. It was a pain no sane man can ever endure.  It was unbearable….  It was unthinkable ….

Now he finds himself in this cheap apartment, living like a rat, with a gun in tow. A rusty old piece that can get the job done for what the angels of retribution have prescribed for him. Dr. Roberts has to pay for his mistake.

For the past week, he had been trailing him. He knows where the hack-doctor lived. “Apartment 4, 7th Street, Orange County.”, he breathed out with the full resolve to kill. He stood up from his bed, and carefully loaded a full magazine into his cheap .45 caliber. He stared at himself in the mirror. He made sure that he looked splendid with his white long sleeves shirt, black slacks, coat and tie. He walked out his door and into the cover of darkness offered by the twilight that heralded the night….

….. to be continued ….

50 Days

And so it has come to pass that my more-than-a-thousand days of service in Japan, is grinding down to the last 50 days or so. Truth is, a part of me does not want to go home because I have grown accustomed here and partially because of this global recession. But I guess all good things must come to an end. Oh well, extension talks are still ongoing but I don’t want to bet my money on it. I would love to go home now, spend a week or two resting in my province and then pick up on my personal life where it entered a hiatus just after I left for Japan.

Looking back, my almost four years of Japan assignment was pretty colorful. I can solidly say that I have made the most out of it, though I had scanty resource. When I left for Japan, I couldn’t read a single Japanese character, aside from hiragana and katakana. Now I write all my specifications in Japanese, and sometimes they are sent to different parts of the world. I guess it would be noteworthy here that in my job location, there was really a great need for nihongo improvement but my parent company opted not to give us full support on it. For some reason though, it was probably our fault too, why the training did not materialize.

As for verbal Japanese, my current team leader and senior engineer, probably sums up the strides I made to improve, in a very simple kampai (an act of cheering before drinking) which he shared in one of our parties. During that party, after one of my professional rivals started self-praising his achievements, my BEER-enabled-team-leader who is not really that outspoken, gently stood up, raised his mug and said. “This is for govz, who during his early days, can’t talk comprehensible nihongo. Zenzen wakaranakatta. You would have to buy a special dictionary to understand him. But today, it is at least for me, enough. Kampai.” All my teammates laughed, and shouted “kampai.”

Dont get me wrong though, Nihongo was not the only thing I came to japan for. Back then when I started, like any new assignee, I was afraid. I felt that whatever skills I possessed, was not enough. You see, I was not like those “HOPE” participants of my parent company. HOPE is a program aimed at fresh-graduates, training for a set number of months without having to tackle ongoing projects. An extended schooling system. But for me even up to now, just like my veteran friends now long resigned, it is nothing more but a mechanism to drive us out.

Unlike my HOPE foundation friends, vets had to study japanese while working. We had to study UML and other software stuff, while we were already tackling cross-platform compilation, kernel debugging and other stuff enough to make you pee in your pants. In short back then, people like me, seemed to have very little chance of success.Nahh, i don’t have any riffs with the HOPE participants. Some of them in fact, I have taken under my wing and have loved them like little siblings. And this blog aims not to judge my young friends. I am just concerned over a concept of what-my-biased-mind deems as a favoritism-system, wrapped in chocolate bar wrapping. Hmmm, a form of Children-Of-God cultic system, complete with serial numbers.

But nevertheless, here I am, I survived four years of Japan. I have so many wonderful stories to share, though I have to relate them in some form of cryptic stories. After all as an R&D engineer, I am required to carry my secrets to the grave. And with all humility put aside, to reach where I stand right now, should one come from where I started, is almost improbable. True, there are others like me, I mean those who survive japan, without nihongo. But what I am talking about is not surviving, it is excelling in a field which is not really your bread and butter, moreso that the communication medium is not the world-staple english language.

For the record, I finished a bachelor’s degree in Electronics and Communications Engineering, from Don Bosco Technical College. I dont come from the “big-named” Philippine institutions like UP, Ateneo, LaSalle, Mapua and I guess every other institution that boasts of many scholastic records. My school is not so-so, but I guess my previous dean of college described it succinctly. “In Don Bosco, we do not require our applying students to be the best and the brightest of the land. However we hope that with the system we have, we can create good professionals out of them, worthy enough to compete, in a global playing field.”

Being ECE, I was not bred to understand scheduling algorithms, nor taught how to build time-critical embedded software. I was trained more on theory about silicon and germanium diodes, op-amps and yep the resistor color-bands. So in theory I cannot outdo the software ability of my fellow engineers with belts in software engineering. I guess what aided me in my career-shift though, was my genuine desire to be an engineer. Not in terms of a national licensure exam but in what i deemed engineering to be, in its truest and purest form. “Engineering is an extension of the creation process. When God gave man intellect, he gave him then the power not only to procreate but the power to extend and build wonderful things from the diverse raw materials God provided.”

I did not care about my software handicap though. I always made it a point to be as professional as I can get. And for the past four years here in Japan, my responsibilities had been blessedly varied. Its scope ranged from the simplest tests to multi-thread multi-process software application development. I had also been tasked, though miniscule as it may seem, to review certain parts of the OS, and had been pleasantly recognized as one of the engineers capable of developing network-protocol applications.

One fond memory would be dating back 2 years ago, during christmas time. When one particular module caused some erratic behaviour given a set of repetitive testing. It was a day before christmas and I received mail from one of the department heads requesting me to investigate the module. So there I was debugging it on the 24th 25th and 26th of December. When I was finished I presented four possible causes of the behavior, and the problem was not anymore at the application level but at the raw calls of the processor itself. They then implemented the fix. My Japanese senior, smiled at me and in a friendly casual manner said, “Now you can go home ….. for vacation, that is.”

Another would be during the time when I was selected to support 6 modules for a totally different platform because of the loss of one of the regular engineers. I was selected in front of three other veterans. During my first week, they tried to explain to me what needed to get done. And on that same week, I was able to find 4 not-my-scope bugs and got them fixed on the same week while I was studying. Due to the nature of the bugs and the fixes I built, one of the foremost engineers in the team didnt hold back when he said during our weekly meeting, “Tsuyoi na.”. It was a subtle professional admiration from a respected engineer. The same engineer later dubbed me as “segai ichi”.

On that same project too, I distinctly remember one particular problem we had, which reflected itself as a minor bug at first. Several people were already called up to handle the problem. Due to its complexity, one of my fellow engineers developed a guard to prevent the particular abberance. However, the entire team was not sold to the idea of the guard, without understanding its true nature. When the problem could not be reproduced with the guard in place, I asked personally the most senior of engineers if he can give me one day to find out which one was causing it. Like what I’ve said, trade secrets are trade secrets. I got the job done.When all of us have almost failed to find the true nature of the abberation, God was kind enough to guide me in finding its true nature albeit losing all my energy for that day.

For another project, with my nihongo stranger than Steven Spielberg’s Amazing stories, my word already carried weight. There was this one instance when my team lead submitted to me a particular code to be implemented. I reviewed the code, found it wanting and submitted my own version within the day. To my surprise he sent a broadcast email asking everyone to follow my version. I also remember one time when one of my friends asked me for a code review. In the process I spotted suspicious commands outside of his code. I told him to report the problem to his superiors. Later that day, one of the heads, came to my desk and thanked me. All the codes got re-reviewed and revamped.

I have so many wonderful memories on and off the job here in Japan. But I guess, I will save some for later.

For now, I handle 2 to 5 major modules for my sub-group and together with two engineers, and 2 trainees, we are creating almost a hundred modules. Well I cannot disclose what they are but let us just say they are substantial to my overall goal of rebuilding my team’s dampened image, caused by senior officers who made the mistake of what-I-think was massive overselling and mistreatment of an embedded development process. Development with all due respect poses a different challenge as that of production, maintenance and testing.

What’s the point then of sharing these stories? Well probably it feeds my ego, but I guess I cant seem to fathom, why God has chosen this path for me. I am kinda confused why are all these things unfolding before me and what is it that I was destined to finish? Hmmm, I hope it pleasantly surprises me though. My growth in Japan was also non-linear, nihongo and software development were not the only things I grew stronger with. Some friends I have here, miss playing with me in the tennis courts. And I miss them too. Total strangers who watch me play sometimes repeatedly ask me when I can play again. I am not that good yet though. My good friend Jay can punish my ass anytime.

Simply put, thru this blog I want to express my profound sense of admiration and gratitude for my client, for giving me and my fellow engineers such wonderful sets of experiences and the trust that came with it. And for which I am eternally thankful. And in another aspect, all I am saying is that as individuals, or as a team, a holistic and logarithmic growth can be achieved easily in light of great adversity like this recession, or like a japan-assignment with virtually zero-level nihongo.

And even if this year ushers what seems to be a global economic meltdown, I hope we all seize the day(Carpe Diem!). We need to seize this opportunity to turn this immense adversity into a catalyst for growth, as individuals and as team members of our respective families, and professional affiliations. In the coming days, I am betting there will be more sacrifices to be asked of us in solving problems, in saving jobs. I am led to believe that we only have to be a ton more CREATIVE, to find a way not only to save the businesses but to save the needed cash flows of each and every member of the team.

And so, my last 50 days or so in Japan happens to be, in the truest sense of the word, crunch time. And if you understand what I am talking about, it is time to play clutch. And for all those hoping and working hard to get this economy fixed, I wish them well and pray for their success. From Mr. Barack Obama, Mr. Taro Aso, and Ms. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, down to the old lady selling banana cue in Makati Avenue, I wish them all success in their fight for this heavy recession.

And to everyone, Good luck!

Come Christmas Time

I had been assigned in Japan for the past 3 and a half years. For those years, each Christmas, whenever I can, I usually spend time with the family of my former girlfriend. Those times were fun, and brings back a lot of memories. However, last year, just a few days after Christmas, my former girlfriend called it over for the two of us.

The breakup pretty much lingered up to 5 months after the actual “split”, but seeing that I was burdening her more and was being unfair with her, I chose personally just to stay away. Keeping away from somebody you love is never easy, but it was a decision I made for her and for me because of an uncertain future. My Japan assignment may last for 2 more years, and for all those 5 years (the past 3 years included) we would only be together for utmost 1 month in each of those years.

That decision came with a price of tears and misery. But in my opinion, there are things in life where justice and a sense of fairness takes precedence over emotion, desire or whatever you want to call it. She has suffered long enough for my sake, four years to be exact. At this moment, I think she already has moved on with somebody new and I am happy for her. However for my sake, discerning the reason for keeping myself away requires a great deal of understanding from where and how I came to be.

When I was 5, my younger brother died of bronchopneumonia. On the christmas vacation (or so I think) just before he died, I clearly remember my sister and me sitting in front of the table and crying. It was Noche Buena, and I think all we had for ourselves that day was ketchup and rice. I was crying hard and still even up to now, I can sense the pain and the desire for something better, of my 5-year-old version. I guess, there are some things in life the body can never forget. All our money that time, my mom was a beautician back then and my father was a vocational school instructor, went to the hospital. Thus, we never could afford anything but probably the ketchup and rice we had on the table.

I guess all I am trying to say is that I know how a kid feels when you rob him of a joy that he has been waiting all year round. I know how it is to be poor. I know how it is to eat salt and rice, because I also experienced it. I know how it is to want something so bad but could never afford to have it, and to be powerless to change things, to WILL things.

My pains did not end there. In college, in high-school, though there were brief moments of rest and affluence, I have gotten through different financial economical crises which have made me the animal I am. And I have seen and experienced first hand how the world can be so unfair. I know how it is to work odd jobs, while maintaining scholarships just to be able to pull off a college education.

While some would fail redundantly like a C-program’s recursive function, and yet not worry where to get their college fees, I was at the other end of life’s harsh reality. But that is just how the world works, some have it, others don’t. And in the Philippines right now, alot of us belong to the “DON’T HAVE” group.

This year, eventhough I want to, I will not be going home to the Philippines this Christmas. Call it whatever you want it, call it dumb even, I wont mind. I understand within me though, that the line which protects the eventual descent of my family to the deeper levels of “DON’T HAVE” is this job. I know that the line which protects my nephews, Monty’s and Rocky’s, futures is this piece of code I create called firmware. I know that my execution and performance, can heal an ailing department, even if the medicine I provide is but a drop. I know that Christmas is only like a week or two in the Philippines, but a week or 2 of delays without further support will cost my Japanese friends a ton of money. A figure which i may not be able to earn within my lifetime.

And though in the past, I opted to celebrate Christmas in Japan, this year I really wanted to go home. Of all of us here assigned where I am, I can state clearly that my body needs some form of respite more than anybody else’s. But from where I stand the impact of my abscence to my friends, colleagues and clients, is a risk I am not willing to take for them.

Is this a sacrifice on my part? Yes definitely. But as for whom I offer this sacrifice, I guess it has a multitude of answers. For my family who still needs a little more time to fix themselves up. For my department, which desperately needs to preserve its clientele. For my young colleagues, who by the merits of my deeds can say thank you to a client, which has granted them training and job opportunities in a global level. For the endeared brown Filipino race, which hopefully by the merit of my actions, will make this client recognize our potential and our professional commitment.

“Is it worth it?” my good friend Alwyn asks me in the coffee break area. As for the returns, I really dont care personally for now. To measure the length of a stick that has ends we do not see, is a useless effort. Point being, I am entrusting to my God and to the fates, whatever merit there will be in the end, for my sacrifice. Be it in this life or in the next.

Come Christmas time, I will be on the job, probably in front of my computer or the machine I am working on. I hope, for those of you who read and understand beyond eyesight, you will remember to greet people like me who are not left much of a choice in life. Be it because of the economics or of a Catch-22 circumstance. For each happy gift or food you partake in, I hope you understand that not all of us are as blessed like those who can leave the job for a vacation as they want to, or as blessed as those who have the right to opt not to work in their lifetimes. There are “lesser” persons.

My nephews, Monty just turned 6 this year, Rocky turned 3, will have a better Christmas dinner(noche buena) this year than their mom and I had, roughly 25 years ago. Right now, from where I stand, Christmas and all the good things that come with it, belong to my nephews and to all the kids. Rigel, Anna, Tasoy and Nonoy included. When I will have kids of my own, they will share Christmas with their cousins and my Godchildren too. But for now, my nephews, godchildren and all the kids in the world, deserve to be happy come Christmas time.

Looking back at all that has transpired, my joy comes from the idea, that at Christmas time, much as it had been for the past 3 years, I am still the same kid who had ketchup for Christmas dinner. This time though, I have been granted the ability to provide more things on the table for my family to share. And probably a nice gift or two, for my two brilliant nephews. I will be with them in spirit just as I will be with my young colleagues, to whom I also offer this little professional sacrifice. In hope that I fulfill for them one of the messages of Christmas. That sometimes to love means to give ………… even if it hurts.

Merry Christmas to all of us. =)

The Core : A Study on Personal Development (2)

Second Part of the series …. (While waiting for my half an hour compilation…)

What then happens if we don’t have a vision or visions?

1. We will wander around much of our time and when the big life-crisis comes, we end up in darkness.
2. We sit too long, too much in the seat of power or responsibility because we see no reason to push while on top.
3. In a team, if the leader has no vision, it will never grow but will eventually regress.
4. Self-Motivation is almost impossible. More so, motivating others.
5. We lose sight of what is really important in the end because without a long term end objective, we will see no more than tomorrow or next month.

Do we really have to be “100% all the time” Vision-oriented?

LIFE HAS TO BE LIVED! Therefore it is not imperative to be 100% vision oriented. Wisdom will tell you that human as we are, we cannot be 100% anything but human. WE WILL FALTER!!!!We will skew from our dreams and ambitions. However before we judge rashly, if skewing is good or not, let me remind you, that it is ONLY in life’s end, that we will eventually realize if the skew was worth it. Sometimes the “skew” can provided us with a serendipitous vision. What I am trying to say is, LIFE IS DIFFICULT AND IT IS UNPREDICTABLE, but it will help you alot if you have charted out a plan for yourself before you proceed on your journey. The plan may be incomplete, just a set of destination points and pit stops, but nevertheless a plan is in place.

REMEMBER : Your vision is your proposal to the fates, it is your heart’s desire expressed tangibly.

Do I really have to have all forms of Vision?

When i graduated college, I just wanted to be an R&D engineer. My first job was R&D manager and eventually CEO. Oh well those are just titles. But as an R&D Manager, i was able to guide all my fellow fresh graduates in creating a commercial level device, outsourced from one of the leading hardware companies in my country and invested in by one major conglomerate. I hope you dont see this as “boasting”, but what I am trying to say is:

When our visions of ourselves come to a fulfillment, what’s next? Some people tend to “not mind” and then stagnate. This is the “I already have what I want” policy.

So do we really need to have all forms of visions/goals. My honest answer is No. What i think is imperative though, is our genuine effort to continuously update our visions and goals. And if you can, once you can, Go for the Impossible Dream first. Then build slowly below it.

Why the Impossible Dream first and not from the sub-plot visions?

When we climb a mountain, there are a gazillion ways to plan it. The basic school of thought is to attack it from the base. However, if we had an opportunity, wouldn’t we want to see the view from the top first and then plan from there? To chose a path that is not the usual trail but a path we have selected for ourselves, a “probably” unique path. Who said that there is only one actual way to reach Kyoto Station? So our impossible dreams will be our path’s zenith. And we must plot from the view on top. And yeah, impossible dreams are upgradeable too.

What about people without goals? Are they freaks?

Everybody is a freak. So it is normal to have no vision. However, I think, they are in great risk of squandering the time they have and the gifts granted to them. They are also prone to becoming more and more lackadaisical. Of course there are certain exceptions to the rule, extraordinarily blessed people who became SOMETHING out of a series of fortunate accidents.

Have you seen a carriage horse driven in traffic? They usually have blinders on the side of their eyes. (Check this yahoo answer…) Much like scope of the horses’ eyes, an individual has an almost infinite set of possibilities. If left unfocussed it might wander into oblivion. Visions have the same effect as the blinders for horses. Dont get me wrong, I am not saying you better be single-direction oriented. What I am trying to say is that, when we envision something to happen, usually we spend time and resource efficiently. Or should you be like me who likes to ponder and wander around, our visions will grant us enough strength to stop clowning around with our spaghetti and start eating the meat balls. No pun intended here.

Anyways, what is there to lose if we set out simple or grandiose plans for ourselves. Let me end today’s blog in the words of my father, Vicente Belarma Repuspolo Jr., the Gasoline Boy, “pahinante”, Truck Driver turned Instrument Technician …

“Libre lang naman maghandom sang maayo, nga-a indi ka maghandum sang sobra sa lab-ot sang kamot mo….” (Hiligaynon :: Ilonggo)

“libre ang mangarap, bakit di mo pa damihan at lakihan?” (Tagalog)

Visions are for free, why dont you think of many, and make them greater than life itself?  (English)

夢は無料でしょう。夢を深く考えて無限レベルを目指しましょう!!! (in my imperfect Nihongo)

(Thanks to Sensei Angelito “Gel” Salgado for the Japanese support.)

NEXT: A sharing of experiences on “Vision”

“Ang batang nangarap” : The kid  who dreamed : 子供の夢
“Trabahong Outsourcing sa Nihon” : Outsourced in Japan : 日本の仕事
…

The Core : A Study on Personal Development (1)

As I am already 31 years old, I find myself thinking and dreaming for the young people I had been working and communicating with in the past few months. I am delighted with the spirit and energy they possess, fascinated by the variety of “kangaekata” (”way of thinking” in Japanese) and their optimism which shines brilliantly in their eyes and their smiles.

For the majority of my life, I dreamed only that someday, in the most microscopic of ways, I can be a form of inspiration for those whose paths may bear semblance to the path I have chosen. More so, I also dream of coming across somebody who can either verify my path or somebody who can make me learn more.

For some who know what I have achieved at 31, I have achieved much. To be honest though, I feel that I am still “half-full”. Either way, half-full or not, that remains to be seen in the days left for me to wander this earth. But for the most people to whom I am a stranger, I am practically nobody.

Be it so, I hope that what I have written here be of use to people who might be in a tight spot and might need some amount of focusing. And should you find it useful, and should you believe in a God, I hope you just thank him for granting you the chance to come across my site.

I wrote this blog to share only 5 things. These things in my perspective are by far the most important to me, as far as ZENTAITEKI (”holistic” in Japanese) personal development is concerned. I guess at 31, this is my formula of whatever little successes I have had in life. I am not yet in any way finished building myself, so I too am a work in progress. That being said, though I am no expert, no saint nor genius, I want to share whatever little I have learned over the past 31 years.

The key ingredients and in no particular order to  better personal development are as follows :

1. Vision / Goal – the ability to dream for oneself
2. Character - the ability to do what is right and to correct oneself
3. Wisdom/Knowledge - the ability to judge what is right and wrong as far as one can
4. Compassion – the ability to dream, hope, empathize with others
5. Faith – the ability to believe in others, to believe in something

As this is like my personal quasi-magnum opus, the above items might be too much and too long just in one writing. So for today, I would like to talk about Vision.

VISIONS : A dissection

(Dreams / Goals / Aspirations)

Most of the young people I meet have rarely screeched out their visions, their dreams, their heart’s deepest aspirations. In this light, I feel that I should talk more about visions so that the young within my circle of influence should dream more, than old farces like myself. The importance of this key element cannot be underrated. Vision provides us an infinite source of motivation. We never tire nor burn out for as long as we keep some form of goal within our heads.

What is it that you aspire for? Who do you want to be? What do you want to be?

It would be useless for me to preach about vision if I cannot share some things I have learned about it. So here goes what I have in mind. Visions or goals can be classified in my opinion as such :

a.  “Impossible Dream” (from Man of La Mancha)- Forgive my copying of the song’s title. But envisioning something beyond yourself is not bad for the spirit. In my current learning I have come to the conclusion that an individual, should he possess an impossible dream, (for as long as he controls his path) possesses an indomitable spirit. He or she becomes virtually infinite in terms of spirit and intensity, though he or she may express it in silence. However, as I have said, one has to be careful of pushing for this dream since the body is not so indomitable.

b.  Segmented / Paged Visions – Pardon the play on technical terms, but A BIG IMPOSSIBLE-DREAM VISION has to be compartmentalized into smaller dreams. For example,  dream “professionally”, dream “family-wise”, dream “individual-wise”, dream “spirit-wise” so on and so forth. Our Segmented visions make up and streamline our Impossible Dream/s.

c.    Episodic Visions – Like a television mini-series, a story arc (ala Onepiece) or a season, is built on top of sub-plots and episodes. What I want to say is that our bigger dreams, are built on top of small goals, which can be achieved over very short-intervals of time. Like the Great Pyramids of Egypt, which are built on bricks, which in turn are built on sand.

d. Serendipitous / Spin-off Visions – This one is what I like the most. Sometimes, in our lives we meet very wonderful people who can influence us very much. In their presence we sometimes end up getting influenced by their natural or not-so-natural gifts. In the process our original vision becomes a bit skewed or what I can honestly say as mutated. These serendipitous (watch the movie SERENDIPITY!!!) moments, or fortunate accidents, which trigger spin-off visions may come from the television, the blog site, your multiply.com friends or probably even from your very own family. Serendipitous visions at surface level may not seem to contribute to fulfillment of the impossible dream, but I believe they do.

Tomorrow : A sharing of thoughts and experiences on “Visioning”

What then happens if people don’t have a vision or visions? goals?
Do I really have to be “100% all the time” Vision-oriented?
Do I really have to have all forms of Vision?
Why the Impossible Dream first and not from the sub-plot visions?
And some of my most memorable personal experiences …

No Rest For The Wicked

He stepped into the hot water. His body almost soaked in blood from the day’s unending battles. His once proud ivory wings are now just but fragments of what they used to be. The burnt skin, the scars, the ugliness of his physique was a testament, of the commitment he had made to those whose lives hang in the balance.

The hot water was soothing. For a moment, he closed his eyes, trying to forget the pain within, with the seething heat offered by the water. His thoughts roamed, they wandered into the void within him. Blessed nothingness. The water trickled down his spine, down his broken wings offering some respite to the weary body. It has been a long time since he felt anything good.

The war is not yet over, but the outcome has been predicted long before. And no matter what the others do, for him it will all eventually be over. And as he has envisioned since the start of the war, he will eventually evolve into something new. The inviting water from the hot springs, the greenish lush surrounding him momentarily interrupted his train of thoughts. He dipped his head into the water.

As he held his face diving in, he once again felt the scars. The scars of the battles that had been almost an onslaught at the start. Three long years of aggression was not really what he wanted. But the fates have decided on him, via a series of unfortunate events. And in the solace underwater, he opened his mouth unleashing a sound no man under his command should ever hear. It was a swan song, a howl of a dying dog roared with a dignity of a lion, albeit a dying one. It was pain, unbearable, unceasing pain. A tormented soul’s lament over what there was and what there is.

He gets his head out of the water. He gazed into the stars that watched him that night. He stared at them nonchalantly, for they have witnessed what should have never been seen. His cry to the fates, his wail to the heavens. He was calculating whether he should pray that night. For in his eyes, God never really favored him. But in a rare act of piety, he bowed his head, and uttered a very simple prayer. “Why?” he gasped with all honesty. God had never answered him before, nor will he probably ever. But he does not question his God, he believes. But being human, even though he has been granted wings, it is his nature to ask.

As he stands up from the water, he exhaled everything there was in him. Hoping it can take the pain and the weariness of his spirit. He puts on his armor, sheaths his tarnished sword into the scabbard, the seraphims have given him. He grabs his helmet, sets it on, making sure that the sun-gold hair is properly tucked in. Tomorrow will be another day for a bloody fight. Whether he will live to see it end or not, his resolve remains unwaivering. And though recently he has been dragging his fatigued legs into the battlefield, he tries to carry on. Steadfastly, patiently.

Yes there is no rest for the wicked. For they are the only ones who know what a real fight is, and how it can be fought to win. He looks up, makes the sign of the cross and hopes that God has not forgotten him. For now, there is no real rest, no place nor time of respite for the wicked.

The Die Is Cast

When Julius Caesar crossed the River Rubicon with his army, he said the
famous line “Alea iacta est”. Like Caesar, I too have the same kind of
resolve. You have made me cross what figuratively is the river Rubicon
for me. Vince and the others who are now resigned knew from day 1 that I
did not want to be an officer for this organization. And due to this
contrast, I say a-la-Caesar that “the die is cast”->”Alea iacta est.” I
accept and thank management for the challenge you have placed in front
of me. I am afraid, but it does not mean I will sit still and be quiet
about it. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alea_iacta_est)

Though my charge has not been discussed with me due to phone constraints,
I know that there is much work to be done. I pray that I have enough
strength left to finish the last stretch of this assignment. This year
is more than horrendous, heart-breaking and gut-wrenching for me,  than
most of the years I have been here. I guess it is the same for most of
us too. However, beyond these, and despite of these, I want us to keep
on holding on and keep doing our best.

BECAUSE THE FLOWER THAT BLOOMS
IN ADVERSITY, IS THE FLOWER THAT BLOOMS BEST. (Mulan)

This year, and just like the past 15 years, is a test of character for
me, and much it is for most of us. When I go home, if i can go home,I
want our department to re-define itself. Not just in the context of
profitability but more in the context of what it wants to  be, working for
sustained profitability and better working environment. Who we are and
who we will be in the next few years is far more important in the long run.
Sun Tzu Art of War To my gold fishes and power rangers,
you will define our department later on, but for now, trust that binchang,
mayor and now your tatang govz, or voltron, will die trying to make life
better for you.

Enough said, more to be done. I don’t know the future. And whoever said
that you can plot it to a point, does not understand murphy’s law.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murphy%27s_law)  I am only one man. この両手でなにができる? I hope one, two and in the remote
probability all of you, believe that there is something good in here
that it is worth rebuilding and re-strengthening,
I hope you stand up when your name will be called upon.

Please believe always in yourselves, this department or otherwise,
that we can do better. For I will always believe in you, and it is for that
faith that Alwyn and I got left behind in Kyoto. And when I come home,
though I am in a diet, I will show you what a tabehodai-bakemono is, a
don-quijote-canon-rock cross breed and the real whale in the Churiumi
aquarium (Not yet to be shown in multiply. :p) . But also, a seasoned
veteran in Research and Development. Let us rebuild by accepting a
culture of winning, and a “can-do” culture. And should we fail, …..
nahhh I would rather not think about that. My best regards to all of you
and to your families. I have to go back to work now. See you all soon
Alabang, and hopefully xxxx. Home is still 3 months away, or otherwise.

PS : If you dont want to follow, I will hit you with reina, my lovely
pink guitar.

PS to the PS : My parents taught me that when we use a room (or a department
for that matter) we try to set it into a good state as far as possible.

A Love Story

“Where is she?”, he thought. He looked frantically at his watch. She was running 15 minutes late for their dinner date. Truth is he is used to her being fashionably late.

The last six months was fascinating for him. He knew he wanted her way more than anything else. And he was the kind of guy who knew what he wanted; He fought for every inch to get what he desired. And she on the other hand was a downright stunner. She had long hair and the deep set black eyes that almost extended into infinity. She had long slender legs and pearly white skin that would make your adrenaline pump just at the mere idea of your skin touching hers. She was way more than an eyecandy.

Truth is he had been longing all his life. Longing for someone who can truly “jerry-maguire’s-complete” him. He had been through so many failed relationships, frustrations and broken dreams. This time, he was sure of it. As he held the diamond ring from tiffany’s, he knew she was all he wanted.

And then one of the restaurant guys opened up the door. It was like an eternity for him, as she stepped into the yellowish light that basked within the posh restaurant. She was wearing the crimson red dress he bought her. His heart skipped, his jaw dropped, and he would have fallen flat out on the floor were it not for the fact that there were so many strangers around watching him.

She was a head turner. Some women from the other tables had to shout to their men, just to make sure they remembered who they were with. She graced the floor like a prima donna in preparation of her great performance. She was a piece of heaven, in this desolate world. She was, as no other words can describe, majestic.

He walked up, like the gentleman that he was, and pulled the chair for her to sit on. He took care of the louis vuiton bag she had with her. He adored her. And she loved him. They kissed, not the torrid kind you would read on harlequin romances. It was just an affectionate short kiss. And everyone’s hearts in the room skipped a beat. They had just seen love bloom, spring into action.

A few moments later, he was preparing for the great proposal. He had already ordered the musicians and the waiters to wait for his cue. Once everything was set, he waived his hand as it was the gesture he promised everyone he would make when he was ready. Then the band took played Kenny Login’s “For the first time ….” in a soft soothing instrumental. The waiters then came up with all the loveliest flowers. Roses, tulips and by-god-knows-what-kind of flowers there were. It was like the yearly US parade of roses. And then there was silence.

“I have loved you, from the very first moment I met you. I have dreamed of you and hoped that you would come. I prayed every day and every night, that someone like you would come for me. I cannot express how much you mean to me and how much I adore you. “, he professed. And as he reached inside his coat’s pocket, for the one ring that would bind them, he felt he was the luckiest man alive. “All these years….”, he thought.

He opened the box, exposing a ring only the gods can afford. And in a kind, gentle, but firm voice he asked, “Will you marry me?” And the girl blushed, and burst into tears. For all the love in the world, she was dumbfounded. She suddenly sat still and fell quiet. Everyone was watching, probably even the lady bugs that were “unseparatable” with the flowers.

She inched her face towards him and gave him a kiss. For him it was a light warm, and gentle kiss  from the lips of an angel.  As their lips parted, she bowed her head and said, “I am so very sorry. I cannot marry you…. <silence>.”. One can almost hear a pin drop in the deafening silence that ensued.

… <silence> …

… <silence> …

… <silence> …

… <silence> …

… <silence> …

… <silence> …

“Lalaki ako!(I am a guy too.)” she said in a loud bellowing voice. And the guy dropped dead, he died of a heart attack.

PS: This my friend, is a love story. Just that it is not my love story It is one of my stupid nightmares. Thanks to alwyn for some story line improvements. Have a great day everyone

Angels

I really want to thank you. For the past few months, in all honesty, my life had been a mess. There wasn’t really any true direction. I guess, it comes with the hopelessness and frustrations that I had been suffering.

You see, ever since the first time I had a chance to talk with you on YM, I knew in one way or another that you were good for me. I was too afraid to meet you actually because I knew back then that I wouldn’t be able to hold back myself. You were very interesting like some kindred spirit I have long looked for. Even back then I felt it was only a matter of time before I realize that you are special. And without any hesitation, now that we have met, I believe you are.

I wanted to thank you. For bearing with me in a very turbulent ride on the plane. I want to thank you for having patience enough to talk with me. I never expected that. I could be a jerk most of the times. I want to thank you for reminding me of the better things in life. Of the things that really mattered. You see, it is with your eyes that I saw what I really wanted, what I have always dreamt of the most. A reminder of sorts that life, in all its complexities, boils down to a few basic necessities. That all we really need is a home, and you, in that very short conversation coupled with all the things said on the internet, guided me there.

With your eyes, I saw simplicity. With your stories, I remembered how fun it was to be home. Carefree because everything was at peace and we are protected. I had been on a very long “circumstantial” adventure, and never have I found, a place where I can just truly be happy. The last time I really had that was like 15 years ago. I had spent half of my life struggling, adventuring. But in your stories about copra and high school, I remembered that all I really wanted was to get back what I had 15 years ago, a place where I can just be truly happy. It seemed, that when I find home once again, it wouldn’t even matter anymore if I became the best engineer, I can possibly make out of myself.

I cant thank you enough for giving me the hope that I needed. I dont even know if we will ever see each other again. As you know, this may also be my last stint in this company. I thank you for giving me hope, that despite of and in spite of all these adversities, I can find a somebody who can cut me through. I thank you for reminding me that there are better things in life, and that I have to be careful because I should be in great condition when I find what I have long looked for.

It pains me so much that I cannot freely express this straight into your eyes. There are some things that need tending too. There had been many times that I wanted to ask you out on a date. There had been many times that I had to stop myself from going near you. Because, there is much too much to fix within me and my immediate circumstance. I dont know, where all these will lead to. All I know is that when I decide on something, I do it.

I cant thank you enough for the effect you have on me. I feel I can get through this adversity now and all the more desire immensely to go back to RP and search for home. How I wish I lived near you so that I can hear your stories everyday and laugh each time you’d joke about not sharing your food. Just kidding. It feels so bad not to be in proximity to you. But for now, I guess it is better this way. When this is all over, and the dusts of confusion settle, I look forward to visiting you. Friends or what-nots, it does not matter. I guess no one would mind if we had one more round of friendly rebuttals.

As I write this, I realize the meaning of what my good college friend and hardware expert Arman called his ex-girlfriend Jolly. He called her “Angel”. Arman and Jolly are now 3 years married. And though I do not have any words for it, I guess that is the closest I can encapsulate the image I have of you. And for all its worth, and for everything that I hold dear, I just want to say thank you very very very much.

What’s up Chuck?

I had been watching episodes of the NBC’s Chuck via the sci-fi channel online (Thanks Phoebs for sharing TVU with us. ). Well I just wanted to recommend it i guess to virtually anyone. Alright I admit, Yvonne Strahovski got me to her feet begging for more but the series itself is so freakin’ universally appealing. My top ten reasons why I like it :

1. Most of the world’s population are geeks to some extent, especially now that most of the people know how Itunes work. (Thanks Apple.) The show somehow gives hope to us geeks that we just might, rule ‘em all.

2. And I guess everyone is pretty much like a spy because we can’t disclose everything to anybody.

3. Chuck’s innocence or naivety is so envious. I mean, he does not know how to fight, he seems to have had no experience of a long term special relationship, and that generally child-like persona is very appealing. In a way, he is a lot like Monk without the OC thingy going on.

4. The babe is HOT HOT HOT… super-hot. And the on-screen quasi-pseudo-real relationship between her and Chuck is something every fan wishes to be real. I guess if that happens, the show might become boring hmmmm. We’ll see.

5. Casey is a jerk but I guess it would be fun to see him join Chuck’s cause and how it will play out once the new intersect is online.

6. It is great and heart-warming to see a brother-sister bond between Elie and Chuck. And Captain Awesome has made that relationship even more highlighted.

7. I hate to see Tang go, he really did it so well but he was really good in making Chuck’s and Morgan’s lives miserable. And his wife was pretty hot too. How the hell did she end up with the bear-of-a-manager Mike anyway?

8. It is not like Desperate Housewives where the plot sometimes revolves too much on the sex lives of HOT old women, but it revolves around how a family-loving decent guy can save his ass and those closest to him from the dangers brought about by his new profession.

9. It is not like Grace Anatomy, which I think revolves too much on what the main characters feel, or what they want to have or special people, like doctors. Chuck revolves around a guy who got kicked out from Stanford, got washed up, now works as a store attendant or nerd-herder, and by a mere stroke of luck ended up as the CIA-NSA intersect.

10. Chuck is universal because in the end of it all it is about how much we want to lead normal happy lives. Sarah and Casey did not and do not have one but it remains a choice for them if they want it. But Chuck lost it because of some old college buddy who got him kicked out of Stanford.

I know “Chuck” will do good for at least one more season. I think there might be a problem if it extends more than that. But I think the writers are apt to that challenge. I hope you all watch “Chuck”, and I hope they don’t change the cast. For me I will watch it on sci-fi channel online as far as I can.

here is a link for y’all. -> http://www.nbc.com/Chuck/