Come Christmas Time

I had been assigned in Japan for the past 3 and a half years. For those years, each Christmas, whenever I can, I usually spend time with the family of my former girlfriend. Those times were fun, and brings back a lot of memories. However, last year, just a few days after Christmas, my former girlfriend called it over for the two of us.

The breakup pretty much lingered up to 5 months after the actual “split”, but seeing that I was burdening her more and was being unfair with her, I chose personally just to stay away. Keeping away from somebody you love is never easy, but it was a decision I made for her and for me because of an uncertain future. My Japan assignment may last for 2 more years, and for all those 5 years (the past 3 years included) we would only be together for utmost 1 month in each of those years.

That decision came with a price of tears and misery. But in my opinion, there are things in life where justice and a sense of fairness takes precedence over emotion, desire or whatever you want to call it. She has suffered long enough for my sake, four years to be exact. At this moment, I think she already has moved on with somebody new and I am happy for her. However for my sake, discerning the reason for keeping myself away requires a great deal of understanding from where and how I came to be.

When I was 5, my younger brother died of bronchopneumonia. On the christmas vacation (or so I think) just before he died, I clearly remember my sister and me sitting in front of the table and crying. It was Noche Buena, and I think all we had for ourselves that day was ketchup and rice. I was crying hard and still even up to now, I can sense the pain and the desire for something better, of my 5-year-old version. I guess, there are some things in life the body can never forget. All our money that time, my mom was a beautician back then and my father was a vocational school instructor, went to the hospital. Thus, we never could afford anything but probably the ketchup and rice we had on the table.

I guess all I am trying to say is that I know how a kid feels when you rob him of a joy that he has been waiting all year round. I know how it is to be poor. I know how it is to eat salt and rice, because I also experienced it. I know how it is to want something so bad but could never afford to have it, and to be powerless to change things, to WILL things.

My pains did not end there. In college, in high-school, though there were brief moments of rest and affluence, I have gotten through different financial economical crises which have made me the animal I am. And I have seen and experienced first hand how the world can be so unfair. I know how it is to work odd jobs, while maintaining scholarships just to be able to pull off a college education.

While some would fail redundantly like a C-program’s recursive function, and yet not worry where to get their college fees, I was at the other end of life’s harsh reality. But that is just how the world works, some have it, others don’t. And in the Philippines right now, alot of us belong to the “DON’T HAVE” group.

This year, eventhough I want to, I will not be going home to the Philippines this Christmas. Call it whatever you want it, call it dumb even, I wont mind. I understand within me though, that the line which protects the eventual descent of my family to the deeper levels of “DON’T HAVE” is this job. I know that the line which protects my nephews, Monty’s and Rocky’s, futures is this piece of code I create called firmware. I know that my execution and performance, can heal an ailing department, even if the medicine I provide is but a drop. I know that Christmas is only like a week or two in the Philippines, but a week or 2 of delays without further support will cost my Japanese friends a ton of money. A figure which i may not be able to earn within my lifetime.

And though in the past, I opted to celebrate Christmas in Japan, this year I really wanted to go home. Of all of us here assigned where I am, I can state clearly that my body needs some form of respite more than anybody else’s. But from where I stand the impact of my abscence to my friends, colleagues and clients, is a risk I am not willing to take for them.

Is this a sacrifice on my part? Yes definitely. But as for whom I offer this sacrifice, I guess it has a multitude of answers. For my family who still needs a little more time to fix themselves up. For my department, which desperately needs to preserve its clientele. For my young colleagues, who by the merits of my deeds can say thank you to a client, which has granted them training and job opportunities in a global level. For the endeared brown Filipino race, which hopefully by the merit of my actions, will make this client recognize our potential and our professional commitment.

“Is it worth it?” my good friend Alwyn asks me in the coffee break area. As for the returns, I really dont care personally for now. To measure the length of a stick that has ends we do not see, is a useless effort. Point being, I am entrusting to my God and to the fates, whatever merit there will be in the end, for my sacrifice. Be it in this life or in the next.

Come Christmas time, I will be on the job, probably in front of my computer or the machine I am working on. I hope, for those of you who read and understand beyond eyesight, you will remember to greet people like me who are not left much of a choice in life. Be it because of the economics or of a Catch-22 circumstance. For each happy gift or food you partake in, I hope you understand that not all of us are as blessed like those who can leave the job for a vacation as they want to, or as blessed as those who have the right to opt not to work in their lifetimes. There are “lesser” persons.

My nephews, Monty just turned 6 this year, Rocky turned 3, will have a better Christmas dinner(noche buena) this year than their mom and I had, roughly 25 years ago. Right now, from where I stand, Christmas and all the good things that come with it, belong to my nephews and to all the kids. Rigel, Anna, Tasoy and Nonoy included. When I will have kids of my own, they will share Christmas with their cousins and my Godchildren too. But for now, my nephews, godchildren and all the kids in the world, deserve to be happy come Christmas time.

Looking back at all that has transpired, my joy comes from the idea, that at Christmas time, much as it had been for the past 3 years, I am still the same kid who had ketchup for Christmas dinner. This time though, I have been granted the ability to provide more things on the table for my family to share. And probably a nice gift or two, for my two brilliant nephews. I will be with them in spirit just as I will be with my young colleagues, to whom I also offer this little professional sacrifice. In hope that I fulfill for them one of the messages of Christmas. That sometimes to love means to give ………… even if it hurts.

Merry Christmas to all of us. =)